Little Cass’s adventure in the park

It’s my pleasure to introduce you to the cutest little man ever ….  Cassius.

His mom is my best mate, an amazingly strong woman and a very good friend. no point in saying that i love them both to bits and they aremy family away from home.

he just started walking not long ago … so it’s an adventure every day. new things to see, smell, touch and a lot of times taste … but that’s the way it goes, he’s learning so many new things. and every time another day passes, and i come and visit … it’s like he grew a month in that single day.

Olivia and Cassius thought me new things … i’ve never had the opportunity to see such a strong bond between a mother and a child. i still find myself, sometimes, staring at them two when they’re playing around. i am still amazed … and i guess it just makes me want a baby more.But it’s just a wish at the moment, it’s something to think about in the future. because the difference between me and Olivia is that she was ready and wanted a baby, on the other hand … i can barely take care of myself, i do want a baby but because i’m lacking a relationship, stability and i dont feel ready yet … i wont be trying for one anytime soon.

ohhh before i go on a random rant i am gonna stop here….  it’s been a long day and i might just talk nonsense …

so, this is little Cassius, going about doing his thing and making silly faces at no one in particular. and like always, i did my job and just ran around him waiting,with the view finder almost stuck to my eye , for another good shot of this gorgeous baby boy.

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it’s been a while

it’s been a while since i last had the courage to turn to my own thoughts …

a lot of things happened,and i dont really wanna go into anything, just wanna go on with my randomness without looking back.

so here’s a video for you by an amazing photographer Terje Sorgjerd. enjoy. it made me all warm inside lol

 

Fail with consequence … lose with eloquence … and smile

All I’ve ever believed in is written in ink and blood on my skin. All I’ve ever looked for is marked upon me for the rest of my life. And after all this, after all the looking, longing, after all the suffering and disappointment I’m starting to wonder, was it ever true? Or have I been lying to myself for such a long time in the hope of finding something pure, something that I so wish would be true?

Is it worth giving your soul away over and over again, and getting it back in pieces and shreds in the hope that maybe this time, it will be the real thing? Maybe this time I’ve actually found what I’ve been searching for?

But when there won’t be nothing left of me, when all hope will be lost and the little happiness that I have will be taken away, what will I be then? What will I do then?

Is this the moment when I should admit to myself that I’ve been living and believing in a lie?

No … it can’t be.

I’ve been raised a fighter. My mother was a fighter, she thought me to keep my head high, to fight for the greater good, to give only love, to see only the good in people, to make a difference, to be the change I want to see in the world and all around me. So this can’t stop me from shinning. I won’t allow it and I won’t allow you to destroy with words what I’ve been fighting and believing in for as long as I know.

Is there any way back to perfect, when everything around us is broken?

Is there any way back to us when you’ve ripped us apart?

Are you able to put back the pieces of my heart and make me better?

No … there isn’t and no, you can’t!

I would have rather have you put a knife through my heart, if that would have stopped the words that came out of your mouth. Is there any way back after this?

No!

There wasn’t anything left to give; I had nothing for myself anymore. That wasn’t enough for you though.

And I’m ashamed to say that the little that you gave wasn’t enough for me either.

But I’ve never thought we’ll get to this, never ever imagined it…even though I could feel it in the air around us, I told myself it can’t be.

I don’t belong with people like you, I don’t deserve to have my hopes and my dreams ripped out of me in front of my eyes by someone that is happy living this pitiful existence. That is so content in being nothing, being just someone who lived to work and worked to live. You don’t want to be remembered, you don’t want your children to look up to you, and you don’t want to teach them that there is more to this life than just living for yourself. Because you lack those things, you lack greatness. You put me down for my hopes and dreams, mock me and spit in my face saying that I should save myself before I should try saving others. But the hope of being able to make a change, even if it will be in 20 years…well that is what keeps me going. I’ll die a martyr, and I won’t die alone. I wont sacrifice myself for nothing … believe me, I will stand tall with my head held high and when I take my last breath I will be proud of the life I’ve made for myself and that I had something to live and die for.

But for all this, I’m the stupid one . . . !

Your ignorance amazes me, I never thought you to be so shallow and empty.

I don’t blame you for the holes in my heart I only blame myself. Because you can’t hurt me unless I allow you to, and stupidly, I did. But do you think I’m someone who will sit in sorrow and self pity? What you did, what you said only made me stronger, angrier and even more ready to take life on than I was before.

I’ve shed enough tears for you and I have wasted enough of my precious time and love on someone who never earned them.

Goodbye my hopeless dream

Should have known you’ll bring me heart ache, almost lovers always do.

This is the end where I begin!

“Now I’m alive, and my ghosts are gone. I’ve shed all the pain I’ve been holding on. The cure for a heart is to move along”

YES!

i have done it…..it’s finished. my ARTF1 is finally finished.

a weight has been lifted of my shoulders, there’s one more to go and i can relax.

and to make my night better, i dont have to go into work ( that’s both good and bad) and i’ve got Moon Sand :))

He asks … “why so serious?”

… i still don’t know what to answer…

My lovely friend Michal drew this portrait for me … and I would like to thank him again for caring enough to see behind the mask.

25 december 1987 my birth date

  • You were born on a Friday.
  • Your star sign is Capricorn.
  • Your birthstone is Blue Topaz or Turquoise.
  • The season was Winter.
  • You were born in the Chinese year of the Hare.
  • The US President was Ronald Reagan (Republican).
  • The UK Prime Minister was Margaret Thatcher (Conservative).
  • You are 23 years 4 months 1 day old.
  • It is 243 days until your next birthday.
  • In dog years you are 161 years old.
  • You are 8,523 days old.
  • You are approximately 204,554 hours old.
  • You are approximately 736,395,228 seconds old.

A lovely poem

as i was stumbling on the web, instead of doing my course work as always, i found a lovely poem that reminded me of you.

“Why i hate reading maps”

I have unrolled a map
onto my kitchen table
and put one finger
where you are and
another where I am.

The space between
is only inches. That close,
I could feel you breathing.
I could reach out and
run my fingers through
every strand of your hair,
touch your lips and
barely need to move.

In the corner of the map
there is a guide for judging scale:
every inch a hundred miles
full of roads and rivers and trees,
the guide a sharp reminder
that you are where you are
and I am where I am,
inches apart.

by Gabriel Gadfly

It actually reminds me of a song too : Snow Patrol – set the fire to the third bar.

“i find a map and draw a straight line. over rivers, farms and state lines. the distance from A to where you’d be. its only finger lenghts that i see…..”

this is how i feel now

sǝʇnuıɯ ǝɹoɯ ǝldnoɔ ɐ ɹoɟ ǝlqɯnʇs ʇsnɾ ll,ı˙˙˙˙ʇou ǝqʎɐɯ ɹo ˙ʞɹoʍ ǝsɹnoɔ oʇ ʞɔɐq oƃ oʇ ǝɯıʇ sʇı ˙˙˙˙sʇɥƃnoɥʇ ʞɹɐp ʇnoqɐ uıʞlɐʇ˙˙˙˙puıɯ ɹnoʎ ɥƃnoɹɥʇ ƃuıoƃ sʇɥƃnoɥʇ ʞɹɐp ǝʌɐɥ ʎluo noʎ uǝɥʍ ʎddɐɥ ǝq puɐ sǝƃuɐɥɔ ǝʞɐɯ oʇ pɹɐɥ sʇı ˙ǝɟıl ʎɯ ǝƃuɐɥɔ oʇ ʇsǝnb ʎɯ uı ǝɯ ƃuıdlǝɥ ʇou sı ɹǝpɹosıp ɹɐlodıq ǝʞıl ǝɹoɯ lǝǝɟ oʇ ƃuıʇɹɐʇs ʎlʍols sʇɐɥʇ uoıssǝɹdǝp ʎɯ ˙ɥƃnouǝ pɹɐɥ ƃuıʎɹʇ ʇusɐʍ ı ssǝnƃ ˙sʎɐp ɟo ǝldnoɔ ɐ ɹoɟ ʇɐɥʇ pǝƃɐuɐɯ ʎluo ı ʇnq ˙ʇuɐɹ ɐ uo oƃ puɐ ɹǝdɯǝʇ ʎɯ ǝsol ı ǝɹoɟǝq ‘sɹɐǝʎ 02 uı ɹǝʇʇɐɯ llıʍ ʇı ɟı ʇsɹıɟ ɟlǝsʎɯ ʞsɐ llıʍ ı ʇɐɥʇ ‘ǝɹoɯ ʎuɐ ʎɹƃuɐ ʇǝƃ ʇuoʍ ı ɟlǝsʎɯ ploʇ ı ¿ʇı sǝop ʎsɐǝ sʇǝƃ ɹǝʌǝu ǝɟıl ˙ʇol ǝɥʇ˙˙˙˙ɐɯɐɹp dıɥspuǝıɹɟ ‘ɐɯɐɹp dıɥsuoıʇɐlǝɹ ˙puıɯ ɟo ǝɯɐɹɟ ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ uı ɟlǝsʎɯ ʇǝƃ oʇ pǝƃɐuɐɯ ʎlǝɹɐq ı uǝɥʍ ʇɐɥʇ puɐ sıɥʇ ɹǝʌo ƃuıssǝɹʇs ǝɹǝɥ ƃuıʇʇıs ɯ,ı ˙ǝuoƃ sı uoıʇɐɹʇuǝɔuoɔ ʎɯ llɐ ʍou puɐ ʇıɥs ʎllıs ǝɯos ɹǝʌo sǝʇɐɯ ʎɯ ɟo ǝuo ɥʇıʍ pǝnƃɹɐ ɐpuıʞ ǝʌ,ı ǝsnɐɔǝq ‘ʎɐp ʇıɥs ɐ ɟo ʇıq ɐ pɐɥ ˙pıʞ ǝlʇʇıl ɐ ǝʞıl punoɹɐ ƃuıʞɔıʞ ʇsnɾ s,ǝɥ ǝsnɐɔǝq ɯɐ ʎlqɐqoɹd ı sɐ ssǝlʇsǝɹ sɐ ɐɟos ǝɥʇ ɟo ǝpıs ɹǝɥʇo ǝɥʇ uo sı zɐʇ ˙ssǝlʇsǝɹ ʇsnɾ ɯ,ı ʇnq ‘op oʇ ʞɹoʍ ǝsɹnoɔ ɟo ʇol ɐ ǝʌɐɥ llıʇs ı puɐ ǝʇɐl s,ʇı

I am very hungry… so i cook some chicken alfredo pasta. When i’ve finally finished it, i sit down take a spoon full and as i went to put it in my mouth… i drooled all over myself. Brilliant…